When I was younger, I was a swimmer. I took private lessons from the time I was an infant, and my Mom could drag me to the pool. Both of my parents were extremely anxious around water, my Dad couldn’t swim, and my Mom really just didn’t like to. My Mom has a cousin who died at two years of age in a pool. She was quite passionate about my sister and I being good swimmers.
I took to the water. I loved it.
I had a swimming instructor who taught me to do a dead man’s float. Along with treading water, this was a strength and conditioning type thing he made me do periodically. I have asthma, so making sure I was taking time to breathe was an important part of our training.
Lately, I feel like this. Like I am just floating along on the water. Arms splayed out, taking a deep breath when I can, or when I have to, and then just going back into the float.
Arms and legs splayed out. Taking in air when I have to.
Just floating along.
I sort of feel over-whelmed, and under-whelmed at the same time. I just can’t quite get out of this funk. I am worried that it is here to stay, and that I can’t get my happy back.
I am not finding joy in many things lately.
I know that I need to snap out of it, and I know that I will. I just feel a bit like I am drowning instead of pulling my head out of the water to take that deep breath of air that I need.
I miss my friends in my computer.
I miss writing.
I miss my daughter.
Having Mack so far away, is so hard. I have never gone this long without a hug from my big girl. Even when she was a Yellow State, I still saw her at least once a month. It’s been five weeks since she left.
I miss my Mom. (I know she is still here, I just miss the way she used to be. Seeing her sick is hard. One of the worst things I have ever had to deal with. I fucking hate it.)
I miss being close with my sister.
I miss going to work and loving what I was doing, and being excited to be there.
I need to make some changes, but I need to also get the courage to make those changes. I need to be able to think things through, and start slow.
I know that I cannot keep on floating along like this.
The Dead Man’s Float is a survival tool, it is not intended to be used forever.
